


Love Ain't Fair

by Qwibbles



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22168489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qwibbles/pseuds/Qwibbles
Summary: Callum's back in Walford and Ben is still very stressed about the events of Christmas. How do they and the others around them cope while trying to move on with their lives? There's a lot to come to terms with.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Original Male Character(s), Rainie Branning Cross/Stuart Highway
Comments: 8
Kudos: 54





	1. Avoiding the Issue

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at a multi-chapter fic! It's based on the theory that this potential new character, named Simon, is a love interest for Callum when Rainie sets them up on a date.
> 
> Please enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum could see Ben bating his breath, biting the inside of his lip, the faltering of his eyes. Clearly three weeks away had not helped forgetting Ben’s mannerisms and quirks, and clearly Ben’s inebriated state was just as helpful at hiding them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Kate (@KatiePhipps on Twitter) and Kewi for helping go over the first chapter for me!
> 
> Please enjoy!

“You sure seeing him’s a good idea, bruv?” Stuart asked, pensively biting his lip as he took the mistletoe down from the door frame.

“I’m just giving him his stuff back, Stu,” Callum responded, stuffing an ash-coloured dressing gown into a Bag-For-Life. “I’ll only be a few minutes.”

“Just bin it!” Rainie yelled from across the flat, tangled in fairy lights and tinsel. “If he really wanted them back, he’d have picked it up himself.”

Callum shook his head. He knew Ben was avoiding the flat at all costs to spare himself the emotional pain. That and whatever Stuart would do to him. Callum ran his thumb over the dressing gown’s belt and took a deep breath before shoving it into the bag. Spending the last two weeks alone helped to clear his head, slightly. There was still a gaping hole in his chest after Callum’s heart was taken from him and crushed in front of his eyes. Callum jumped as a sprig of mistletoe landed in the bag.

“Earth to Callum,” Stuart hummed. “You gonna massage that dressing gown all day?”

“I could do with a massage,” chimed Rainie, somehow more tangled than before.

“I’ll just be a few minutes.” Callum sighed as he grabbed the bag and left. He’d been back in Walford for a day and already wanted to disappear again. The air was stale, marred by the events of Christmas day. Stuart had filled him in on what he knew about the Mitchell family tearing itself apart. In some ways Callum was glad he left Walford, free from the constant chaos of Albert Square, or so he thought. The thought of Ben plagued him every day, even in what little sleep he had, pulling him back. Callum tried drinking his problems away, but he soon learned that beer was not the answer to a broken heart, especially on Christmas day. He spiralled, drunkenly, into the new year. He downloaded a hook-up app, still unopened. The thought of sleeping with someone else made him wretch more than the sound of Rainie’s voice calling Stuart her ‘ _big, grizzly bear_ ’.

Anguish was never far from Albert Square. It stung the bristles on Callum’s face as he walked past the Vic. Though not even a few minutes’ walk from his front door, the car lot may as well have been miles away. Callum’s gut and his brain were telling him to avoid Ben at all costs. It was only a few weeks ago they were united with his heart in saying Ben was everything he was looking for. Love, truer and purer than anything he’d ever felt before.

Callum was at the car lot’s dulled blue door before he realised. Which Ben was he getting today? Soft, sensitive, kind Ben, or sarcastic, witty, unforgiving Ben? He made his way through the door and was greeted by the stench of alcohol. Callum’s eyes darted around the room. A few cans were littered around the desk at the far end of the room, but not enough to make Callum’s nose twitch.

“Bugger off, Jay!”

This was not a Ben Callum had ever experienced. He had half a mind to follow Ben’s instructions and leave, but he couldn’t. Callum had a fire in his belly since the day he was arrested for assaulting Leo. Blind rage was never an emotion Callum expected to feel coursing through his body. He could feel it brewing again at the sight of Ben reclined in his chair, eyes shut.

Callum slammed the door shut. Ben snapped up, dropping a half-empty bottle of vodka onto the floor. _So that’s the smell_. Ben’s eyes, bloodshot and baggy, set themselves on Callum’s hazy silhouette after adjusting themselves to the light.

“Callum?” Ben croaked, head pounding. “What are you doing here?” A warmth crept around Ben’s body, his heart fluttered briefly. For a moment, there was no pain. Then Ben saw into Callum’s eyes: worn, ruthless, and tired. The sapphire glow he was used to had dimmed, instead glazed over with resentment. It was hypnotic.

Callum glared at Ben for what seemed like hours. Ben’s eyes faltered first. He rubbed them and groaned, trying to brush away his regret.

“I thought I’d give you some of your stuff back,” Callum said, gesturing towards the bag in is hand. “I don’t need it.” 

Callum’s mind turned to those mornings Ben would wait for him after a morning run, greeted by the smell of coffee and a soft kiss. He could almost feel the soft fabric of Ben’s dressing gown between his fingers, pulling Ben in close for a kiss. A sharp waft of vodka ripped Callum out of his memory.

“Well I don’t want it,” Ben slurred and span in his chair around to face away from Callum.

“You’ve got nothing else to say?” Callum huffed, managing to suppress a sharp pang of anger. Ben spun around again and met Callum’s gaze. He hoped the alcohol would help him resist the influence of Callum’s eyes. So far so good.

“I’m still ‘ _running away from my feelings_ ,’” Ben sighed. “Can’t you tell?” He reached for the bottle on the floor and took a long swig. Callum watched Ben’s face crumple as he dropped the bottle again.

“What happened to you, Ben?” Callum sighed. “Drinking yourself blind at 2pm because you can’t handle guilt?”

“It’s a bit more than guilt,” Ben retaliated. Callum wasn’t surprised, he knew there was a lot more going on than Ben was inclined to reveal.

Ben reached for the bottle again, but it had fallen out of reach. His outstretched fingers agonisingly close to his only solace. A thud snatched Ben’s attention away from his vodka. Callum stretched his fingers after dropping the bag to the floor. This time Callum’s eyes were piercing.

“You going to tell me about it?”

Ben huffed in response, shuddering at the thought of Callum knowing what Ben did. Surely it was better to push Callum away now than have him find out that Callum was complicit in murder? Somehow turning a cold shoulder wasn’t enough to keep Callum as far away from him as possible. He made a choice, and he intended to stick with it, as much as it killed him.

Callum could see Ben bating his breath, biting the inside of his lip, the faltering of his eyes. Clearly three weeks away had not helped forgetting Ben’s mannerisms and quirks, and clearly Ben’s inebriated state was just as helpful at hiding them. They both opened their mouths to speak at the same time and stopped themselves. Callum wasn’t even sure what he wanted to say, but his heart was aching and needed some kind of release. Callum hadn’t felt this kind of conflict since that night in the park. His first time, _their_ first time. It was the first time Callum had truly felt alive and with someone who just understood. Callum could see it in Ben’s eyes. The fire, the empathy, the love—all fighting to break free from whatever secret kept Ben from uttering three simple words.

_I love you._

Ben’s head throbbed, causing him to wince. That broke the eye contact long enough for him to desperately muster some resolve. He looked back up, careful not to meet Callum’s gaze.

“I don’t think I will,” he managed to say after a pause. Ben noticed Callum's clenched his fists, the grinding of his teeth, the sudden sharp breaths. They subsided as suddenly as they appeared. He’d only seen this side of Callum once before, but this time he was the drunk one.

“Why can’t you just admit the truth, Ben?” Callum snapped.

“What truth? You think running away for three weeks is going to magically help you get over me? _Me_? I’m bad news, Callum. You best be off embalming corpses or something, I’ve got work to do.” Ben tried reaching for the bottle again before Callum’s voice yanked him back into a place he was desperately trying to avoid.

“I was clearing my head, Ben!”

“Let me give you some advice,” Ben sighed.

“Pack it in, Ben,” Callum interrupted. “I’m not going to take advice from someone who’s idea of coping is drowning their sorrows in cheap booze.” 

“I’ll have you know this was twenty quid,” said Ben as he almost fell from his chair reaching the bottle.  
Callum whimpered, tears forming in his eyes. He swallowed what was left of his pride and wiped his eyes before turning to the door.

“See you ‘round, I guess,” murmured a dejected Callum, firing one last look at Ben who was still eyeing his vodka.

“Please don’t.”

The door slammed shut.

Ben waited a few minutes before letting a solitary sob escape his lips. He looked at the bag in the middle of the room and noticed the sprig of mistletoe sitting on top of his dressing gown. A symbol synonymous with Christmas and love, something Ben would rather forget. Blood rushed to his head, hands quaking, breathing heavy. He wanted nothing more than to be encased in one of Callum’s soft, warm hugs. He wanted to tell Callum _everything_ —what he did to Keanu, that he just wanted to keep Callum safe, that he loves him with every fibre of his being. He took a final swig at the bottle before launching it at the bag, tipping it over and removing the mistletoe from his field of view. The fewer reminders of Christmas, the better.

\--

Callum marched through the flat door red-faced.

“That was fast,” Stuart cheered, beaming at his brother.

“Not much to say for himself, then?” Rainie added just before Callum stormed past her into his room, slamming the door with enough force to knock her back a couple of steps.

“Bruv!” Stuart reached for the door as Callum locked it from the other side. Stuart clenched his fists and turned away from the door. “I’m gonna kill him!”

“No you’re not!” Rainie yelled as she jumped onto Stuart, using a strand of tinsel to rein him in like a horse. Stuart buckled and stopped his rampage. Rainie’s unorthodox methods of calming him down always seemed to do the trick. “You’ve punched him enough times now, don’t you think?”

Stuart replied with a grunt. She was right. He’d spent at least half of last year despising Ben for what he thought was meddling in Callum’s life. Even when Callum came out to their dad and kissed Ben in front of everyone, even when Callum came back from a date with the biggest grin, even when he saw them cuddled up on the sofa watching The Greatest Showman, Stuart could never shake the nagging feeling that Ben was no good. He was terrible at this supportive older brother stuff. He tried, of course, but there was a reason Callum would seek out his ex-fiancé over him for breakup advice. That didn’t stop Stuart doing his best to comfort Callum, and he knew Callum appreciated the warm hugs and attempts at conversation. That was enough he supposed, but he needed to get better.

“I hate seeing him like this,” he grumbled, turning to face Rainie. She replied with a soft peck and wrapped her arms around Stuart’s waist. “I knew Ben would break his heart like this.”

“Me too, babe,” Rainie said as she rested her head on his chest. They stood cuddling for a while, comfortable in each other’s arms. Rainie’s head snapped up and her eyes met Stuart’s. He could feel the cogs turning in her mind. A Rainie idea could only mean mischief, though this seemed different.

“Why don’t we help him move on?” she said with a grin and reached for Stuart’s phone in his back pocket. “Have you got any nice photos of him?” she asked. Rainie escaped Stuart’s arms and hovered towards the sofa. What was she up to?

“What are you on about, babe?” Stuart asked, plopping himself on the sofa next to her.

“This.” Rainie shoved Stuart’s phone into his face and forced his head into the wall. His eyes took a moment to adjust to the surprise.

“Grindr?!” Stuart snapped and reached for his phone, but Rainie yanked it out of his reach and shushed him.

“It’s a surprise!” she hummed and began setting up the profile.

“But it’s my phone!” Stuart’s protest fell on deaf ears. Rainie had no reaction, still furiously typing away. He nestled his head on her shoulder and pouted in frustration.

“How much does Callum weigh?”

Stuart sighed. It was going to be a long afternoon.


	2. Where is the Truth?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum had only been back in Walford for two days and he’d already fallen back into his routine of dealing with other people’s grief, tolerating Stuart and Rainie’s antics, and occasionally thinking about Ben. There wasn’t anything fun about Callum’s life, well, not anymore. His dream of joining the police hadn’t reached the forefront of his mind since before Christmas. His assault on Leo fortunately seemed to fizzle into nothing, but the anger never subsided. It just sat there, waiting for the next unlucky outlet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some heavy angst hear so a tissue may be necessary.
> 
> Thank you to Kewi for helping me with this chapter!
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think!

Callum was sat in the corner booth of the café twiddling his thumbs, staring into his empty coffee cup. The café was unusually busy for 11am on a Tuesday. In a strange way it was relaxing, everyone going about their business, oblivious to the struggles of everyone around them. Callum was glad he could keep his struggle to himself, even if it was only for a short while. His conversation with Ben the previous day kept playing over and over in his head. He thought seeing Ben would help alleviate some of his stresses. Maybe Ben would’ve changed his mind after seeing some of the things he’d left at Callum’s flat—reminders of the memories they shared. Callum stared blankly into his empty mug. He needed more than one coffee’s worth of caffeine to ease his weary head.

“Weak bladder,” chuckled a voice. Callum’s head shot upwards as a man dropped himself onto the seat opposite Callum. “Sorry about that.” Callum picked up on the baggy, bloodshot eyes and short, shallow breaths. The man’s hands trembled slightly as he picked up his full cup of coffee, still steaming. 

“You’re gonna get through this, Mr Jennings.” Callum’s reassuring smirk seemed to quell the shaking. Callum reached forward and held Mr Jennings’ hands as he rested the coffee cup on the saucer. “Just take each day as it comes.” After a reaffirming shake Callum pulled his hands back. He felt awkward reaching out to someone like that, even if it was his job. Callum’s frame of mind wasn’t focused on comforting a grieving man. He was projecting Ben onto this poor man. The tired eyes and ill-hidden sadness reminded him of Ben. It didn’t help that Ben always fiddled with his ring like Mr Jennings did with his wedding ring. Ben was always grieving, even if he didn’t show it. 

“Thanks,” uttered Mr Jennings after considerable effort. He flashed Callum a small smile of understanding before he retreated behind his sullen features. “Anyway, where were we?”

“The flower arrangements?” Callum replied after a beat. “My brother has a thing for flowers, I’ll pass the details on to him.”

Mr Jennings let a giggle break his glum expression. “I didn’t take him for a florist.”

“Says he finds it ‘ _therapeutic_ ’,” Callum mused, almost under his breath.

Callum had only been back in Walford for two days and he’d already fallen back into his routine of dealing with other people’s grief, tolerating Stuart and Rainie’s antics, and occasionally thinking about Ben. There wasn’t anything fun about Callum’s life, well, not anymore. His dream of joining the police hadn’t reached the forefront of his mind since before Christmas. His assault on Leo fortunately seemed to fizzle into nothing, but the anger never subsided. It just sat there, waiting for the next unlucky outlet.

“Chris loved orchids.” Mr Jennings’ words pushed Callum further into his trance. Chris. Stuart had skipped on that detail when telling Callum about what he discussed with Mr Jennings over the phone. The only thing Stuart had said was that Mr Jennings didn’t feel comfortable in a funeral parlour. _Too much death_. Mr Jennings continued rambling about the specifics, but Callum’s mind was elsewhere.

He flashed back to his army days, those days he’d spend sharing sheepish looks into Chris’ eyes from across the room. He missed the happy conversations that transported him out of an actual warzone, the way Chris laughed at Callum’s silly comments about the world, and especially the hugs with just a hint of extra effort that only they noticed. Callum wasn’t sure if it was love, but he knew it was deeper than friendship. It was something he and Chris never got the chance to explore. Callum managed to put all those memories and feelings behind him after leaving the army, until Vicky found him. Learning of Chris’ death was one of the worst things he’d ever experienced—he missed something he could never have. 

A loud buzz interrupted Callum’s thoughts. Mr Jennings stopped talking and Callum apologised as he took his phone from his pocket. His eyes took a moment to read Rainie’s name. It wasn’t often they had conversations outside of the flat.

‘Incoming x’

She must have texted Callum by accident. Whatever antics she was up to he wanted no part of, especially if those antics involved whatever her and Stuart would be doing during work hours—they loved a thrill. He rolled his eyes and shoved his phone back into his pocket, shuddering at whatever that message entailed.

“Sorry,” Callum said, his voice laced with embarrassment after realising he had completely zoned out. “You were saying about the flower arrangements?”

“Yeah, just some simple stuff. I think he’d want it like that,” Mr Jennings’ uttered. His voice trailed off into the noise of the café. At least Callum wasn’t the only one who was distracted.

“I’m sure he would.” Callum cracked another small smile. There was a lull in the conversation. Callum tried not to slip back into another miserable train of thought.

“How do you do it?” Mr Jennings eventually said.

“Do what?”

“Move on.”

Callum was taken aback by the bluntness of the question. Did he really know the answer to that question? He was probably the worst person to ask. Callum was thinking about Chris and Ben only moments ago.

“I still ask myself that,” Callum replied after what seemed like hours. He opened his mouth to continue but a familiar voice snatched the air from his lungs.

“Callum!” Ben cheered from the counter, bouncing towards the table with two coffees in hand. He somehow looked rougher than yesterday. His tie looked like a noose, dangling from his neck without any real care. The bags under his eyes looked more like bruises. Callum could almost see the blood vessels in Ben’s head throbbing. What was Ben up to?

“Not now, Ben,” Callum sighed.

Ben ignored that statement and instead glared at a bewildered Mr Jennings. Ben turned to Callum, eyes ablaze with a strange energy Callum had never seen before.

“So what’s this? A little coffee date?” Ben demanded.

“Do you know this guy?” Mr Jennings asked Callum with a concerned look, but before he could respond Ben let a loud sigh.

Ben lurched forward. “Look, mister _whatever_ ,” he mocked, rolling his eyes. “I’m trying to ask Callum a question, so I’d appreciate it if you—”

“Ben, just stop.” Callum was getting fed up of Ben’s voice already.

“Stop what?”

“This,” Callum barked. “Just go home.”

“I’m just looking out for you, Callum,” Ben jeered, as if it was obvious. He turned his head to Mr Jennings again before taking a step back to examine the sight in front of him: dreary, drained, and uncomfortable.

“Looking at you two it’s like someone’s just died.”

Mr Jennings squeezed his eyes shut and slowly rose from his chair. It was only then Ben realised his mistake. A wave of relief washed over him, but then Ben’s eyes widened in horror, his mouth suddenly absent of all moisture. He was mortified.

“I’m just going to—”

“Mr Jennings, I’m sorry,” Callum interrupted with an outstretched hand.

“Maybe another time,” Mr Jennings blurted after opening his eyes to unleash a steady stream of tears. He brushed past Ben and disappeared out of the café. Ben could feel the force of a few angry eyes boring into his back, but none hurt more than the look of sheer disappointment on Callum’s face. He gently eased himself into the seat opposite Callum. They sat in silence for a while. Callum spent a lot of that time trying not to bash his head against the table. That was probably what Rainie’s text was about. That devious bitch.

“I got you coffee.” Ben shakily passed one of his coffees over the table. His hand awkwardly hovered above Callum’s empty mug. He tried looking into Callum’s eyes but all he was met with was the biting sound of Callum’s slow breaths somehow cutting through the noise of the café. He placed the coffee by Callum’s clasped hands and retreated back to the other end of the table. Ben dropped his head and noticed the half-empty cup Mr Jennings left, still warm to the touch.

“What are you doing here, Ben?” Callum looked up at Ben who was struck by the power of Callum’s voice.

“I—,” Ben said sheepishly. “I just stopped by for a coffee.”

“When are you going to stop lying to me?”

“I’m not—,” Ben mumbled before Callum silenced him by clearing his throat. Ben took a quick sip of his coffee before salvaging some resolve. “I just don’t like seeing you with other people.”

There it was—an admission. Callum knew Ben would have to give something up, whether he wanted to or not. He didn’t think Ben was capable of jealousy, however. It was one of those emotions that seemed alien to someone like Ben Mitchell, much like fear. Getting Ben to admit such things was worthy of prestigious awards and worldwide recognition. But Callum wasn’t going to just make his acceptance speech and walk away with a prize.

“So you’re jealous?”

“What? _Me? Jealous?_ No,” Ben scoffed and the ridiculous suggestion. Callum shut him up with a frown.

“Is that all you’ve got to say for yourself?” Callum raised his voice. “I’ve gotta tell Stu why Mr Jennings just ran out on me, and he won’t be happy when I tell him the reason why is you.”

“I’m _sorry_ , alright,” Ben sighed in defeat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

The fire in Callum’s eyes dimmed. He wanted to hear those words for so long. He’d spent three weeks hurting, trying to forget about Ben. It didn’t work, but hearing Ben actually apologise for something that wasn’t as menial as getting his takeaway order wrong undid every single bit of progress he’d made. It put Callum at ease, if only a little.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Ben instantly knew what Callum was talking about. 

_I’ll be anywhere that you are._

Those words never left his mind. They kept him up at night and drew him out of conversations with other people. But Callum wasn’t there, and it was his fault.

_I’m in love with you._

Every word sent shockwaves down his spine. He replayed that night in his head so many times to lessen the pain. Ben thought drinking would help him forget, but all it did was make the words louder. Every echo was like a knife in his heart.

“I can’t tell you this, Callum.”

“Yes you can.”

“Callum, please.”

“Ben,” Callum pleaded. “I can take it. Whatever you’ve done, I can handle it. I don’t need protecting.”

Ben bit his lip. If he could just tear off his whole mouth, then he might be able to experience some kind of comfort. The hopeful glint in Callum’s eyes was blinding.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t.”

Ben was getting flustered. He couldn’t keep up with Callum’s persistence. His head rattled with every unsteady breath, shaking loose a few beads of sweat. He couldn’t tell Callum he arranged an execution, not when Callum had a career in the police to look forward to. He couldn’t burden Callum with that. Never. He would sooner have Callum hate him for keeping secrets than hate him for being complicit in murder.

“Ben!”

Ben flinched. He needed to say something, but he couldn’t lie. Callum would know, Callum always knew.

“I can’t come back from this, Callum.”

“We can get through this—,”

“Don’t say ‘together’, please,” Ben interrupted. “The less you know, the better. Trust me.”

“How can I trust you if you won’t tell me the truth?”

“Because you’re in love, Callum,” Ben barked as a solitary tear rolled down his face. “Maybe you shouldn’t be.”

Callum’s heart pounded inside of his chest. The sharp pang of regret forced him back into his chair. He wanted to hate Ben. Everything would be easier if he did. But a cruel force kept him in Ben’s orbit, kept him in love. Callum could see the torture in Ben’s eyes. He was waging war with himself and accepted no help. But he knew he was fighting a losing battle. Callum’s breath was hot, eyes clamped shut. It took almost everything he had to stop himself from screaming in Ben’s face. Callum’s filled itself with the memories of the night Ben broke his heart.

_I don’t love you. I don’t want your love._

A lie. They both knew it. But Callum couldn’t keep running around in circles. He never considered just giving up on his heart. Maybe he deserved the pain. He wanted love with Chris, with Whitney, and with Ben. But he couldn’t have it. He was beginning to think he could never fill that void, just destined for loneliness in the world. The pain in Callum’s chest throbbed with every beat of his shattered heart, _again_. He thought he’d be used to this pain by now, but every heartbreak hurts just as much as the last when you’re so deeply in love.

“You’re gonna crack sooner or later,” Callum managed to say. “Just make sure you’ve got someone left before that happens.”

Ben was so struck by those words he didn’t notice Callum had left.

\--

“I’ve got a date!” Rainie shouted with glee. Stuart dropped a dish into the sink and splashed himself with soap suds.

“You what?” Stuart yelled in reply from across the flat, turning to Rainie with outstretched arms and narrowed eyes, gesturing his drenched shirt.

“For Callum, you idiot.” She danced towards Stuart with a giggle before continuing, “Friday at the Vic, at 6.”

Stuart let out a groan, rolling his eyes at the thought of Rainie arranging a date with another man.

“Isn’t it a bit soon for Callum to start dating again?”

“If he enjoys the date then that doesn’t matter, does it?”

Stuart shrugged. Callum didn’t need his head being messed around again, especially by some rando on Grindr, on his phone. What if they just thought it was a hook-up? Callum wasn’t one for hook-ups, was he? He told Stuart he was just staying with a mate for Christmas, but Stuart knew that was a lie. He couldn’t force Callum to tell him what really went on over Christmas, or why he was in such a mood after giving Ben his stuff back. Stuart had a good idea for the latter, but the issue was that Callum wouldn’t open up to him, or anyone.

Stuart turned his head to the sound of a door swinging open.

“Bruv!”

Callum was already slouched on the sofa, staring blankly at the ceiling.

“Hey,” Callum grumbled.

“How was your chat with Mr Jennings?”

“Long story.” Something was clearly on Callum’s mind, and it wasn’t work. Stuart and Rainie shared a knowing look, this was about Ben, again. Maybe Rainie was right, Callum should get himself out there.

“You need to _forget_ about him, Callum,” Rainie claimed as she shoved Stuart’s phone into his pocket.

Callum turned his head slightly and shot her a glare, stopping her in her tracks halfway across the flat. She knew he was aware of her meddling.

“You should get yourself out there again, meet some actual nice guys,” she hollered from the kitchen.

“No thanks,” Callum muttered back, slouching further into the sofa. He was looked like a discarded ragdoll, tossed aside with no care. Stuart could see the red in his brother’s eyes, fighting back tears.

Rainie turned back to Stuart, he could see the cogs turning in her head again.

“Leave it to me,” she mouthed and blew him a kiss. Stuart frowned, dropping his shoulders and his mood. If Rainie’s plan failed, he feared he wouldn’t see Callum smile for a _long_ time. Not seeing Callum for three weeks was bad enough, but the thought of losing Callum when he was sat right there was unbearable.


	3. Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She latched onto Callum’s arm and gave it a light tug towards the door. Callum rolled his eyes—if they could go any further, he would’ve been staring at his brain. Rainie seemed obsessed with the idea of going to the Vic. There were constant reminders of the date, time, and location for ‘just a few drinks’. It all would’ve been a little suspicious had Callum given it any thought, but he’d spent the last few days thinking of Ben’s soft touch and the taste of his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Kewi once again for helping me with this chapter.
> 
> Please enjoy!

Rainie stood in the doorway to Callum’s office incessantly tapping her nails against the doorframe, not even matching whatever song she was humming. She’d been standing there for about two minutes watching Callum file with all the energy of a corpse. Ironic, really. He must have straightened the same pile of paper six times, or six hundred. It made no difference to Rainie. She groaned in frustration as he added another sheet of paper to the pile.

“You’re seriously telling me you’d rather sit there _filing_ instead of coming out for a drink?” Rainie huffed viciously.

Callum glared at her. “I’ve got work to do, Rainie.”

“You call that work?”

“I just need to work,” he sighed, adding another sheet of paper to his pile.

Rainie prowled towards the desk. “What you _need_ , Callum, is a drink.”

“Rainie, I don’t feel—”

“Come on, you need something to take your mind off things.” Rainie held Callum’s papers down and looked into his sad eyes. For a moment she felt sympathy. She and Callum never spoke much without Stuart present, but spending even just a few minutes alone with him made her realise why Stuart thought so highly of him. With the way she and Stuart were always having fun, among other things, she’d noticed the ways Callum ignored them. If Callum wasn’t happy, then Stuart wasn’t happy. And if Stuart wasn’t happy, then Rainie wasn’t happy. She couldn’t have that. She made it her mission to get Callum back out there, forget about Ben, and be himself again, even if it meant resorting to some unorthodox methods.

She latched onto Callum’s arm and gave it a light tug towards the door. Callum rolled his eyes—if they could go any further, he would’ve been staring at his brain. Rainie seemed obsessed with the idea of going to the Vic. There were constant reminders of the date, time, and location for ‘just a few drinks’. It all would’ve been a little suspicious had Callum given it any thought, but he’d spent the last few days thinking of Ben’s soft touch and the taste of his lips.

_…you’re in love, Callum. Maybe you shouldn’t be._

Perhaps a drink was a good idea. A short respite would be better than shuffling papers around.

“Is Stu coming?”

Rainie beamed at what she assumed was Callum’s approval. 

“Yeah, he said he’ll be over later,” Rainie answered with a grin. Stuart had no idea she planned to trick Callum into a date, and he was still an hour away from finishing some his home visits for the day, plus whatever travel he had to do to get back to Albert Square. “Now come on, get changed. We have booze to sink!”

“Why can’t I go just like this?”

“You want to go forget about your sorrows by drinking in something you’d dress a corpse in?”  
Callum let out a breath to speak but Rainie slammed the table with her hand before he could form any words.

Rainie paused for a breath. “Callum, _please_.” She rolled her eyes and tutted, her disapproval weighing Callum down like a tonne of bricks.

A defeated Callum huffed and made his way up to the flat past a twinkling Rainie. There wasn’t much energy left for stubbornness or dealing with Rainie’s games. If he’d had maybe a three hours’ worth of sleep, he’d have put up more resistance. Truth be told, Callum wasn’t entirely sure what day it was with the amount of sleep he had. He wasn’t sure what was keeping him up either. Ben, obviously, but what about him? How could he still be on Callum’s mind after pushing him away time and time again? Callum had a lot of questions, many of them for himself.

Before Callum knew it, he was staring at himself in the mirror, half dressed. The reflection of the bed behind him was beckoning. Even if he wasn’t going to sleep, it seemed like a better idea than drinking with Rainie.

“Don’t take all day!” Rainie boomed from across the flat like a banshee. Callum jumped at the sound and quickly threw a shirt and jacket on before joining Rainie at the door.

They found themselves outside, the bitter air of the approaching evening biting at their faces. A determined Rainie strutted through the Square unfazed, dragging a sluggish Callum behind her. A part of him was resisting ever so slightly, just pulling away, unwilling to move on. 

They arrived at the Vic, oddly quiet for a Friday afternoon. Rainie scanned the patrons around the pub, just the usual suspects nattering away—seen but not heard. She instructed Callum to find a seat near the bar while she waited to be served. Rainie waited, tilting her head from side to side and tapping her nails against a beermat. She turned to Callum, slouched over the table with his head in his hands. With a hint of sympathy in her eyes she checked her phone for the time—17:55. A message popped up, ‘ _Almost there x_ ’. She grinned and put her phone away, still waiting to get served. Stuart managed to convince her to use her own phone for catfishing Callum’s date. He never took to the idea of his girlfriend floating with gay guys on his phone.

Callum flung his head back and looked at Rainie who was finally ordering some drinks. He felt like hours had passed since they arrived. Rainie’s occasional glances were like flashes of fire in his face. Callum’s eyes darted around the room, watching other customers happily chatting away, celebrating, winding down after a long day. But there Callum was, tired, miserable, and not much in the mood for talking. 

Rainie slammed a pint glass down between Callum’s hands.

He eyed her pint glass curiously. “Since when did you drink beer?”

“One of my New Year’s resolutions was to expand my repertoire,” she giggled. “I fancied a change.”  
Callum shrugged while his expression dropped to a frown. _New Year’s resolutions_. He gritted his teeth at the thought of another broken promise. Callum had thought about making one, but then his heart broke. There wasn’t time for self-betterment while trying to pick up the pieces.

Rainie glared at Callum’s glum figure and tutted. “Right, let’s play a game to make you feel better. Simon says wait for me while I go to the toilet and don’t be miserable while I’m gone.”

She watched Callum shrug again before turning away. Pride tugged her lips into a mischievous grin as she walked towards the door, making sure to keep an eye on Callum so he wouldn’t see her slip out of the Vic. She bumped shoulders with a tall figure on her way out. Red-faced, Rainie opened her mouth to yell but all that escaped her lungs was hot air. The man towered above Rainie. She would’ve been intimidated if it wasn’t for his disarming smile. He apologised and left her astonished as he walked further into the Vic. She gave a small nod of approval before leaving, heading back to the flat for some wine.

Callum’s mind was adrift, thoughts floating around in his head without any real direction. He was so lost in his own head he didn’t notice the looming figure bobbing towards him. The sooner Rainie got back from the toilet, the sooner he could finish his pint and mindlessly watch TV.

“Nice to finally meet you,” a soft called. Callum was dragged out of his haze into a pair of warm and inviting eyes. It took him a while to break free of the sudden warmth that engulfed him. He examined the man in front of him. He was attractive, gorgeous actually. His face was just kind, somehow freeing Callum from his sorrows for a moment.

“Who are you?” Callum scowled. As nice as this man seemed, he wasn’t in the mood to deal with being chatted up by random strangers.

“I’m Simon, you’re Callum, we’re supposed—”

“Wait hang on,” Callum interrupted, rising from his chair slightly. “How do you know my name?”

A light laugh escaped from Simon’s lips. “We’ve been talking for a few days now, and you’ve even got two pints here.”  
Callum poked his head up like a periscope, searching the Vic for Rainie—nowhere to be seen. That’s when he realised he’d been tricked. She’d set him up on a blind date, the sneaky bitch. Had she been chatting up this guy, using Callum’s own pictures? What did this guy think of Rainie’s Callum impression? Surely Callum won’t be the guy he’s expecting.

“Sorry, I think there’s been a misunderstanding.” The words tumbled out of his mouth as he tried to stand. “I think my friend set me up.”

“Oh,” Simon sighed, biting his lips. “Mind sticking around for a bit, at least? Can’t let these drinks go to waste.”  
Callum watched Simon pull his chair out. A rush of adrenaline flooded Callum’s system. He blinked his eyes a few times, his chest tight. Was he actually nervous? Excited? It was like his body had already accepted Simon’s offer before his head had time to process the decision. He sat back down, still dazed. Simon followed suit, slowly bringing himself down to Callum’s level. An awkward silence followed, the air between them still.

“So who have I been speaking to if it wasn’t you, then?”

“My brother’s girlfriend,” Callum mumbled. “Look, I’m sorry she’s done this to you.”

“Don’t worry about it, honestly,” Simon chuckled. He chuckled a lot. “Not the first time I’ve been catfished. At least you’re actually the person in your pictures.”

What pictures was Rainie using? Nothing too awful, Callum hoped. Not that Callum took many selfies. What first impression did Rainie give him?

“What kind of impression did she give you?”

“That you used to be in the army, you’re _apparently_ eighteen stone, you’re sex-crazed, and have a wild food kink. How’s that?”

Callum shuddered at the thought. “If that’s why you’re here then this won’t go well.”

Simon nodded and giggled before leaning back in his seat. “Then I suppose we’ve got a lot to learn about each other.”  
Callum tried to listen, he really did. But all he could think about was Ben, the way that single tear rolled down his face when he thought about whatever he did on Christmas day. According to Ben he needed to love someone else. Everyone had been telling him: Stuart, Rainie, even his own head. But the heart wants what it wants, and Callum’s heart was the most stubborn thing imaginable. How could he deny himself something he had yearned for over half of his life? Pieces of Simon’s conversation occasionally pierced through his thoughts. He was a paramedic, the ‘baby’ of his family, and he’s not one for hook-ups. He seemed kind, understanding, perceptive, caring, thoughtful—almost the perfect guy. But he wasn’t Ben.

\--

Ben trundled through the Square towards the Vic. His thoughts drowned out by the busy market hustle and bustle. His head throbbed with every laboured step, the product of a few hours’ sleep. If he could keep Callum or Christmas out of his mind for more than a few minutes, then he could at least nap. Ben’s only reprieve was Lexi. Her quirky innocence was enough to put his mind at ease and take all his worries away, the sweetest calming influence. In some ways spending time with her was better than sleep, he could just be himself.

Ben was on edge. He wasn’t sure if it was the lack of sleep or the fact that his head couldn’t focus on anything for longer than a couple of minutes. He stumbled into the Vic and found himself at the bar, ready to douse his twitchy nerves with booze. Tracey approached him and he ordered himself a pint before taking a seat nearby. 

Then he saw Callum, with someone else. Ben could only see the back of his head, but he could tell the man was tall and attractive. He seemed interested, but Callum seemed elsewhere. Ben saw Callum’s polite smiles and nods, his occasional reply, what looked like a question or two. 

_Was Callum actually on a date this time? No, surely not._ Ben couldn’t intrude again, he was still reeling from the embarrassment of the other day. Telling Callum not to love him teetered him ever closer to the edge of mental stability. If Ben could only follow his own advice, he wouldn’t have been so miserable, even if it was terrible.

He shakily took sips of his drink as he observed Callum from afar, slouching so as to hide himself from view. He _hated_ seeing Callum with another man. Every cell in his body tore itself to pieces at the sight. No matter how much he pushed Callum out of his head his heart would draw him right back in. But he couldn’t just stroll over and ‘protect’ Callum again. In truth, he was only protecting himself. Ben could never admit it, but his ego was fragile, and after recent events, on the verge of collapse. But he couldn’t pull himself away from Callum’s face, not even to look at his own drinks.

Ben had been watching Callum for a few minutes, catching himself every time his legs tried to take him over to Callum’s table. It took nearly all of his willpower not to run over to Callum and confess. But could Callum really take him back if he knew everything? No matter how much he pushed Callum away, Ben couldn’t bring himself to let Callum out of his orbit.

They locked eyes. For a timeless moment, there was no space between them. They could feel each other’s every heartbeat, every breath. The shimmer of Callum’s eyes and his faint frown sucked the air out of Ben’s lungs. His leg started shaking and his face turned red. He could feel the pain in Callum’s eyes. He couldn’t. Not again. Ben clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, pouring every ounce of effort into pulling himself away from Callum’s magnetic gaze. He managed to free himself, stumbling out of his seat towards the door. Ben threw himself out of the Vic, the cold January air just enough to break him out of the melancholic wave surging through his body. He managed to savour a speck of resolve before making his way somewhere else to sulk.

\--

“You okay?”

“What?” Callum snapped out his trance. He’d been staring at Ben’s empty seat and near full drink. For a moment he felt like that drink, alone.

“You seem distracted.”

Callum frowned. “Oh, sorry.”

“Bad breakup?”

“What?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry,” Simon said after emptying his glass. “But you’re not doing a great job of hiding it.” He gestured towards Callum’s nearly full pint.

Callum winced.

“If you don’t feel like you’re ready for a relationship then I understand. This has been a lot better than my last few first dates anyway.”

Callum’s head sank. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” Simon smiled as he got up from his seat. “No need to apologise. You can’t force yourself to get over someone. But if you feel like you’re ready then I guess you can ask your brother’s girlfriend. It was nice meeting you, Callum.” Simon let out a light chuckled before shaking Callum’s hand. He left Callum to sit alone with his thoughts. Part of him wished he never agreed to come to the Vic. Sometimes it was easier to just sit down alone and sulk, but other times it was comforting having another thought distract him from his other problems.

Callum finally took a sip of his drink, sat in the relative comfort of his own silence.


End file.
